A Journey Within: My Vipassana Experience

On my birthday, Sunday, December 1, 2024, I returned from a 10 day Vipassana meditation retreat and celebrated what I now call my rebirth day. While I turned 48, I feel like I’m just beginning—a fresh start to a more conscious, intentional way of living. It’s like starting at square one, but this time with a deeper awareness of how to dance this beautiful, earthbound dance. This, to me, is the art of living.

Everyone’s Vipassana journey is unique, but I feel called to share mine—not as a prescription but as an invitation to explore what may be waiting for you within.

The Challenge of Stillness

I knew this retreat would challenge me. To be honest, it felt like signing up for a self-imposed prison. Handing over my phone and car keys felt like surrendering the lifelines I’d always relied on for comfort and distraction. With no fences to keep me there, the only thing holding me in place was my commitment to myself and the work I came to do.

There were many moments when I wanted to run. But I realized I wasn’t running from the retreat itself—I was running from myself. Sitting in silence for ten hours a day, surrounded by others doing the same, I became acutely aware of how restless and noisy my mind had become.

Without the usual distractions—no phone, no music, no podcasts, no conversations, no hikes—I was exposed to the chaos within. It scared me. I wondered, Is my brain broken? Have I been running so long that I never truly learned how to be still?

Confronting Myself

Vipassana teaches the mastery of the mind through disciplined meditation. I thought I understood meditation—I’d practiced yoga and self-reflection for years—but this was different. It was raw, unfiltered confrontation with myself.

Who really sits in silence for ten days? No speaking, no writing, no reading, no eye contact, no physical activity beyond walking. At times, it felt like a battle. I even caught myself mentally shouting during meditation: Shut up! I’m in charge now! It felt absurd… maybe even a little unhinged. But it was also humbling.

I realized how often I had deceived myself with distractions disguised as progress. I felt sadness for the ways I had avoided truly being present with myself. But I also felt immense pride—pride for the courage it took to hand over my keys, my phone, and my illusions to face the truth of my inner world.

Discovering the Inner Sanctuary

Years ago, my understanding of life was shaped by external teachings—about God, Jesus, love, and success. Those teachings were valuable and guided me through the first half of my life. But here, in the quiet stillness of the retreat, I learned something profound: the doors I’d been knocking on weren’t outside of me. They were within.

As I sat in silence, overlooking the mountains near Lava Hot Springs where my family has made so many memories, a scripture from my past came alive: Ask, and it shall be given; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.

Tears rolled down my face as I realized the answers I’d been searching for weren’t out there—they had been waiting for me, patiently, within. Sitting at the top of the retreat’s walking path, I felt a divine whisper: “Hi. I am right here.” Tears flowed freely as I understood where I could finally turn for peace.

The Law of Impermanence

One of the teachings of Vipassana is the law of impermanence—the understanding that all things, good or bad, eventually pass. This awareness became a tool to navigate life with grace. I began to see that much of my suffering came from clinging to what I wanted to last or resisting what I wished would end.

Vipassana taught me that the journey inward holds the answers we seek. It’s not easy, and it’s not always comfortable, but it’s where truth and liberation reside.

Creating My Own Happiness

One of the most profound realizations I had during the retreat was how often I’ve looked for happiness outside of myself—expecting circumstances, achievements, or other people to fill me up. But in those moments of deep stillness, I came to understand a truth that feels both liberating and humbling: nothing external can make me truly happy.

Joy can be enhanced by the things or people in our lives, but lasting happiness must come from within. It’s about learning to love and accept myself fully, not depending on others to create harmony for me. I also saw how I had, at times, placed expectations on people to meet needs that only I can fulfill and also it brings so much peace and really taught my nervous system to be still.

Continuing the Practice

Now that I’m home, continuing the practice has been both challenging and rewarding. I’ve committed to meditating for an hour each morning and evening. My days are more joyful, peaceful, and productive, and I’m able to see life with greater clarity.

This practice has helped me show up for my family with wisdom and compassion. It has also brought me out of patterns of ignorance and avoidance of pain—habits that only created misery in my life.

’ll share more about my Vipassana journey and more valuable things I learn on this beautiful path of liberation from within:)

In the meantime, if you have more questions about Vipassana, check out their website www.dhamma.org.

A Final Thought

Re-entering the busy world after ten days of silence feels jarring. It’s easy to get pulled back into distractions. But Vipassana taught me the importance of presence and the need for tools to navigate life’s challenges—tools that aren’t often shared in our modern world.

Thank you for reading. If you’d like to stay connected and receive updates about my journey, please sign up for my blog’s email list. I’d love to share more about this path of self-discovery with you.

Much love,

Raya ✨