Take Me to Church?

Did You Stop Going to Church and Stop Learning Spiritually?

*This may trigger some in the Christian faith, please read with an open mind and heart and just consider my thoughts here.

In 2021, I stopped going to church. I'm deeply grateful for my upbringing and the foundation it gave me. However, I reached a point where I realized my understanding of God was based on what I'd been taught, not my own direct experience. I yearned to know Jesus for myself, not just the image presented to me, but the feeling of Him within me. I embarked on a journey of self-discovery and a personal search for God. Was God a man, woman, alien, or all of it? I began to wonder; was my concept of God limited by what I had been taught? Could God be more than what I had imagined? Was God a man, as I’d always been told? Could God also be a woman, embodying the nurturing and intuitive aspects of the divine? Could God be an energy, a force that transcends gender altogether? Or, as some teachings suggest, could God be something beyond human comprehension, an infinite intelligence, even an extraterrestrial consciousness? I wasn’t looking for an answer that fit into a box. I just wanted to explore God for myself, without the filters of doctrine or expectation.

To remove external influences, I stepped away from organized church.

This led me to explore various avenues: a self-baptism in a river, delving into different philosophies, experimenting with breathwork and plant medicine, practicing prayer and meditation, immersing myself in diverse cultures, and simply practicing innerstanding.

Last November, I found myself up on a hill in Lava Hot Springs, participating in a silent vipassana retreat. On the eighth day of silence, while contemplating the power of impermanence, a profound realization struck me. I was pondering the nature of Jesus and His role in my life. I'd always been taught He died to save me from my sins. But in that moment, something shifted.

It felt as though I experienced, for a fleeting second, what it might have been like to be on the cross. If Jesus studied under masters during the undocumented years of His life, He likely understood the principle of impermanence. He knew His pain was temporary and purposeful. He also recognized the ignorance of those who crucified Him – they had forgotten their spiritual nature. This understanding fostered compassion within Him.

The realization I had was, maybe Jesus wasn't on the cross to save us in the way I had always understood it. Maybe He was on the cross to save Himself, and in doing so, show us the way to live and die artfully with beauty and grace. Maybe He was showing us how to save ourselves?! This may sound controversial, I’m open to be curious about it tho. I began to question: Does God truly want us to be victims, always needing someone to die for our sins? Doesn't God want us to be powerful leaders in our own lives, capable of finding our own salvation? This traditional teaching, I felt, may have inadvertently led to a sense of dependency. It places a mediator between us and God. I was conditioned to confess to a bishop, which perhaps contributed to the feeling that I didn’t have the power to directly pray to God and ask for forgiveness without someone’s help. This approach, for me, may have inadvertently hindered the development of a closer relationship with God. I’m sure each of you has different experiences, but this is mine and mine alone. It made me believe I lacked the inherent power to save myself, to truly understand how my actions hurt not only others but also affected my own spiritual growth. I felt it hindered my ability to become a powerful vessel of truth and light, a leader to others, just as Jesus was. Not a leader driven by ego, as some perceive Him, but a leader who recognized His own divine potential. I see Him as my equal, even though I deeply admire Him – I have the capacity to overcome the same challenges He did. I have the ability to connect with God, to commune with the divine, just as Jesus did.

Could I have arrived at these truths if I had remained within the confines of organized church, following the prescribed curriculum? Maybe I could have; I know many who do and are incredible humans living beautiful, Christ-centered lives. I feel, for me, it was necessary to embark on this seemingly destructive, yet ultimately liberating, journey towards divine union with God.

I needed to choose my relationship with God, not inherit it.

This path, though challenging, has given me that choice. It's not about rejecting the teachings of my youth, but about integrating them into a deeper, into a more personal understanding.

Yet, currently this is my truth and my path.

These things need to come from your own personal path, this is mine. I am in no way saying anyone is wrong, nor trying to start another church by golly! I’m here inviting you to take the self led journey within and seeking answers to help liberate you so you can become free and full of love, just as Jesus became!

Raya☀️